Stress Journal; Entry 1

Stay at home mom… those who think this means you do nothing and don’t know what it’s like to be stressed. Shut the hell up. Even to the other parent in the family who does work and doesn’t get HOW we can be so stressed when you get home. Get a freaking clue. I NEED A BREAK. No parent can survive 24/7 with almost no relief and a very high strung toddler like mine. All of the moms that look at me crazy when my child acts up or says “well I don’t understand why you don’t just do it like this”- DO NOT HAVE MY CHILD.

I cannot bring him into a store with out screaming, kicking and squirming to get away. If you put him down to explore, he takes off like a shot and WILL break something or get out the door. He WILL run away from the door straight into traffic. My yelling or discipline fuels the fire.

When we are at home, it’s a struggle. He wakes up crying and whining. EVERY morning. Followed by refusing to eat breakfast. Immediately tearing through the house ready to destroy anything in contact—- ALL before I have had a chance to even rub the sleep from my eyes. Sometimes it will be late afternoon before I realize I haven’t even brushed my teeth. If the house is to stay clean  (or even where you can walk) I have to walk behind him constantly picking up and SHOWING him to pick up. If one person even THINKS at this point “why don’t you show him how to pick up” I will come to your house and kick you in the face. I do show him. Constantly. Imagine a 36lb, over 3 foot tall two year old running full speed through the house (non stop) screaming at the top of his lungs. All day. You reason with that.

Lunch time. He refuses to eat ANYTHING I give him. Even if I try nine different things. I am just wasting money and food. When I try to eat, he is busy grabbing and spilling my drink. Even if I eat at the bar, he will climb up- get on top of the counter and be in my face taking my drink and spilling it before I get the first bite. Keep in mind at this point, I haven’t had a second to myself. Haven’t brushed my teeth or hair. And I’m pretty tired and hungry after the morning I’ve had. Then I start to feel guilty that I am eating and I still haven’t gotten him to eat. So I either quit eating or try to give him what I’m having. Does it help? NO. Oh well, I’ll try later.

To get the screaming and whining and mess to stop for just a few minutes, I put on a movie. I know right? Great parent I am. Now that he is quiet (for at the most 30 minutes) I sit down at my computer after I’ve surveyed the destruction around me. That is a LOT of work staring back at me. I log on to facebook. I see everyone living their lives, working, DRIVING somewhere, enjoying time with family and friends, taking their kids or themselves shopping. etc etc. I get to sit here and WATCH while everyone else lives. It’s just so daunting taking my kid out to catch a bus somewhere or to drag him sceaming all the way in his wagon or stroller to the BX, where I know they won’t have what I need and not a lot to look at. Or we go to the park where He proceeds to ignore the toys and swings and run to the road. My family and support system that everyone enjoys and takes for granted are an ocean away. I can make friends, sure. But do I feel comfortable asking them for help, no not always. Now if I want to get off this crappy base, I won’t be able to afford anything in euro right now. Nor will I be riding in the security of the family car. We only have one and it goes to work with Keith. If you think I am dragging my little monster out of bed that early for him to scream all the way there and then punish me for the rest of the day for lack of sleep so I can use the car to drive him around with me just for more tantrums and things I can’t afford anyway- think again.

Now we are to dinner time. Same as the rest of the day. More not eating and tantrums. Husband gets home. Child goes nuts. Husband is exhausted from his very trying day and doesn’t have a lot of energy left. More mess piles up, the more would up I get. Bath and bedtime roll around. I usually force this on my husband because I simply have no patience left. Finally it’s bedtime. Time to relax right? Wrong. Kid is in his room screaming and protesting going to bed. So he is either dragging out every toy he has and dumping over every shelf or literally head butting the floor in protest so hard, he has bruises. We go in and out in and out, trying to placate him. Finally he passes out. At this point I am too emotionally and physically exhausted I don’t even care to shower. Yet again. I’m looking at all the mess waiting for me from that day. I feel defeated, depressed, and lonely.

I want to be back in the states. Where I can make friends that I can keep! Afterall, making friends in the military means they or you can leave any time. No room for much attachment. Have a second car! Take my kid out at my own pace. Teach him how to behave. Take time for myself! Maybe have a yard!! See my family! Go shopping and actually find what I need. No more waiting for weeks for something ordered at a premium online that may or may not work for you! (after all you ordered it based on a picture, you didn’t see it in person) FREEDOM at last! Even the small things that people take for granted would make a world of difference right now for me. Choices are limited here. Everyone thinks this is a dream. “Wow you live in Europe! What an opportunity!” My husband doesn’t get time off, nor do we make enough money to travel on this economy! Get real. This tour has been far more difficult than I ever dreamed. They are steadily cutting our resources off one by one. Cutting back stock in the only stores we can afford to shop in. Piling on more hours for everyone. Just because you think your husband works harder than mine because he is not behind a desk, doesn’t make it reality. So don’t go scoffing at me when I try to open up and say that he is having a hard time. Don’t scoff at me when your ideas for my child don’t work for him at all. Don’t scoff at me because I say I’m stressed. All I have to say to you is WALK A MILE IN MINE!!!


One thought on “Stress Journal; Entry 1

  1. Sandra Cole says:

    Hi sweet girl. I am so sorry that you and Keith are having such a hard time in Germany. Before you know it you will all be back in the states.

    Dear Lord,
    I am asking that you help Amanda and Keith to have a wonderful day tomorrow. Bless them with peace and understanding that only you can give to them. Thank you Lord for all of the love and guidance that you supply us each and every day. Guide Keith through out his day at work and help Amanda to get through the day with Alek. Help Alek to become the little boy that you want him to be. Bless him. Help Amanda with her stress and guide her to you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

    My heart goes out to you and I hope that things get better. I can feel you pain and I love you. Take care and hang in there. This economy is really bad all over and I hope that things will get better. Take care and know that my prayers are with all of you.

    Motherhood and Fatherhood is not always easy. It is always hard to find a balance. I know that at a point in a childs life they get finicky and they do not want to take the time to eat. We all went through it with our kids. Hang in there. God Bless.

    Mom Cole

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